I hit the button today, and I hope you did not find it offending that I did. It was a decision that should have been done long ago but I couldn't find the courage to do so. I never wanted to let go of you but I have to. I wanted to keep you but you're not mine to keep.

I am writing this past midnight of February 14, you are probably asleep in her arms while I'm here all alone in my room where you told me a break is what's good for us two, this was after a conversation with a friend who told me he knew you well enough to know you won't like this.

I want you to know that I have thought about this carefully. It was something I know I can never take back and in case you were wondering how much thought I have put into this: you were on my mind the entire day and I have tried to argue with myself about it.

Yesterday was hectic for me--I am sure you were somewhere up north enjoying the cold breeze. I have decided to work on Valentine's weekend so I could keep myself from overthinking and because I know you will be somewhere else with someone new, I know I have to keep myself busy.

It was my fault for checking Facebook amid a very busy day where I spent hours traveling from one place to another just to attend to our serenade bookings. Yes, the entire day was about trying to make couples happy with the occasion. It was my fault that I tapped a specific feed dedicated to you.

I guess it was just out of habit that I did. Your feed was my morning newspaper and probably, close to my night time prayer.

For the record, it did not surprise me to realize who you were with. I have known her back when you told stories about her on our rare Viber conversations. I was a fool to ever think I could handle conversations like this. You told me she was this and that and it wasn't so difficult for me to figure it out. You have known me better than anyone else and you knew I will find out soon enough. It was only a matter of time before her name comes up in conversations.

But it wasn't "you with her" that made me rethink about the choices I have made. It was the pullover she was wearing. I remember it so well, that time I picked it up from Adidas in time for our Christmas dinner. You said it was one of your wishlists and I was running out of ideas for a gift so I did not hesitate and bought it, spending nearly half of my annual pay.

I remember your face the moment you opened it. Tightly wrapped inside a box, you thought it was a shoe at first so I joked about hoping I got your size right. You couldn't help but smile the entire night and felt so regretful we weren't spending the rest of it together. I'm sure you wanted to kiss me but there were a lot of people around and we don't want to make a scene.

I remember it all too well.

Seeing her wear that precious thing was the last straw. I could no longer think about the memories we had without ever ending it with the sight of her in that Adidas Porsche Herren pullover. It was something I cannot unsee. I have gone through a lot of painful things while I am loving you. I have waited outside of your home while it was raining and it was a neighbor of yours who told me I probably should go my way, you're not coming out. Tried asking you out so we can talk but No is all I'm getting. Getting one word replies after sending a lengthy text, or simply being ignored when I bumped into you in a concert.

This was something I could no longer handle.

I realize I could no longer let myself watch from the sidelines anymore. It was hard to watch you love someone else. You could have said I have done it before (like I have always told you, Crush) but this time is different. I have to do something to keep myself from hurting while I am still in pain.

I hope you understand that I have to make a decision.

It is painful to realize that after all this time, I find myself in the same spot where you left me and I am not taking it against you. It is not your fault you did not come back. It was my choice to stay, to hope that maybe someday when I finally get my shit together, I will be deserving of another shot at it.

I want you to know that I feel bad about doing this now, when we have been better at being friends than we have ever before. I want you to know that the only thing holding me back from doing this was the thought of how good we have been as friends in the past month alone. It was bad timing, now that you are offering me the kind of friendship I am asking from you.

I have thought about how I have survived my heartbreaks before, how I moved on and still be able to keep them in my feed. It was an argument I have lost with myself. I couldn't remember how it was done, quietly, without memories shattering.

I know, at some point, you will be mad, or sad, or maybe you'll feel bad. But know that it was not my intention to burn our bridge, I am just trying to look after myself. At the same time, I want you to be free to love anyone you like, away from my shadows, away from our past.

I hope she turns out to be your do or die person but you know that I am also half hoping she won't be. I still believe that you and me, we are endgame. And I am doing this because someday, when you finally decide to come home, I won't be the same sick, jealous, insecure person who knows everything about your past.

You have always been my inspiration. The muse behind the numerous poems and stories I have written. The subject of all the poem captioned photos I uploaded on Instagram. The person I will always dedicate love songs to.

You said I have to love myself and I think by doing this, I am.

But I still love you. No matter what.

Leaving this here because it reminds me so well of what could have been. And also because it was the last song that's playing after I finished writing this. I probably won't hear any from you, but I hope I will. Take care, Babe.