Despite the downward slope, my 2015 has been a lot better than the past years. 2013 was horrific. 2014 was a bit better. 2015 was my could have been—which doesn’t sound really bad at all because it only means I am a step closer to maybe figuring things out (that’s me with a different perspective). I remember ending 2014 with the thought of keeping the good thing going and I think I made good progress about that.

Like everyone else, I wanted things to change, so bad. There were so many things I wanted to change just so I could make myself feel better but I don’t know how. No one in life has figured things out. No one ever wrote a handbook on how to deal with change and get better results. So I did one thing I don’t usually do: pray.

No one, not even my closest friends would believe me. I am not known to be religious but I would have to say my renewed faith did almost all the progress I have made.

God, give me the courage to do what I have to do is what I have repeatedly asked God every night before sleeping. For quite some time it seemed like I was fooling myself, relying to the heavens for the things I am supposed to do for myself. But then the fateful summer came and everything started changing.

Me first

2014 taught me I had no one to make me feel better, only myself. Hence, I made 2015 all about trying to put my happiness first—which is never easy, to be honest, for someone who is used to putting someone else’s happiness first before hers (at least that’s how I see myself).

Loving me is never easy. Thinking that if people find it hard to love me and stay with me, how could I love myself? It was mentally accepting that the only person I have in this world is me and that I had to try, everyday, to love what I have become.

Pagod na ako pero mamahalin pa rin kita is a line I probably heard from a television drama that best describes the kind of love I have for someone. I realized that the best thing to ever happen in love is to be loved the way you want to be loved. And I thought, that’s how I want it to be—thinking that if I can love someone beyond their perfections and be hell-bent in doing so then what keeps me from loving myself in that same way?

I grew up being disappointed over things I can’t have and it is almost in my nature to be frustrated over things I can’t control. So the first thing I did was to go easy on me. I tried to stop pushing myself too hard when things get difficult, to stop blaming myself over things I could not accomplish and most importantly, to forgive myself everyday for the mistakes I keep making.

I stopped forcing myself to do things I do not want to just for the sake of pleasing people but I never forgot the value of helping, of still being able to do good deeds even if it means halting the process.

To make it simple, I stopped beating myself up.

You can be a good person with a kind heart and still say no.

Every now and then I had to remind myself that I am a good person regardless of what people say or how they see me. Thinking that beating myself is already too much, I do not need anyone else to have a hand on this.

For someone who keeps getting a no in life, I can hardly imagine how difficult it is to be the one who gives it.

For the first time, I said no and I never felt so bad about it. I knew it was the right thing to do and thinking of it negates the fears I had.

I’ve been called, straight up, a bad person for doing it and it inflicted the same pain as being on the receiving end of a no. I am not a bad person for trying to do the right thing, for trying to be fair.

I made decisions that broke other people’s hearts but I had to make them so I could save myself from doing the same mistakes. After all, doing them again would defeat the progress I have made and would mean ignoring the promise I made to myself.

It was hard to say no to something good, something that probably happens once in a lifetime, something that will probably be my last chance at things.

But believing that the pain will pay off and that you’ll thank me someday is what makes it easy.

Giving people the chance I did not have

It took one birthday celebration to remind myself that I have people and that no matter what kind of relationship I have with them, I have to make it prosper.

I was so used to having people come and go—my track record consists of being the one left behind—and that made me put up walls. I stopped trying to meet people and kept myself with my constant companions, not knowing that there are people out there who can also offer me the kind of friendship I can keep for the rest of my life.

Not having someone there for me should not keep me from being that kind of person someone needs. So I learned to give people the chance to know me. I learned to give people the chance not to break my walls, but to climb over it.

Believing in Eventually

2015 constantly reminded me that things take time. If it took three years for Adele to come up with a new album, why would I force things to take place the moment I want it to?

Rome wasn’t built in a day and moving on does not happen overnight. Over the entire year, I took a few steps back unintentionally. There were a lot of emotional landmines I could not avoid. Sometimes I find it easy to just stay where I am rather than to walk away. These were setbacks I had to face so that I could end up where I am right now.

I was so eager to feel better, to accept things the way they are that I forgot about how everything always takes time.

There was nothing I can do to speed up the whole healing process except praying for it to be over someday. Even in prayers, healing wasn’t immediately granted. I learned to wait for something that is not even guaranteed.

I stopped making myself believe we are wasting time and that someday, in God’s perfect timing, things will be alright.

Believing in the due process of things promises better results than taking shortcuts because here we are, here—we—are. But things do not end here. I know for sure that 2016 will play a big part in the fulfillment of our eventually, of eventual forgiveness, acceptance, and peace of mind whether we chose to do it separately or not.

I stopped giving myself excuses.

Many times over 2015, I did things just for the mere sake of getting it over and done with. I learned that the only way to get to the other side of the bridge is to go through it.

I have crossed so many bridges and I did it by letting my body do the work. I am known to be indecisive and I knew at the very start of 2014 that it is something I have to improve on. So I dragged myself out. I stopped thinking twice and just let myself go with the flow.

Falling short.

Why would I call 2015 the year that could have been if I have never experienced falling short at least once?

Career-wise, I have made good progress this year by going out of my comfort zone. At the start of the year, I thought my career is something I could still save. That it was something I could focus on and be better—because my love life sucks and the rest are a palpable zero.

Ever since my first job leveled my self-esteem, I have dodged every opportunity of writing. Sure, my job as a web editor still requires me to write, but it was something that did not ‘require too much’.

Some time in March, I decided to quit my job because it does not fulfill me anymore. I had to give in to that nagging feeling I had for two years. It was bittersweet for many reasons because it was too personal for me and the events of the summer have lead to many things.

That includes an opportunity for me to go back to something I was good at—writing for a publication. I wrote for a magazine and it paved the way for me to overcome my fear of not being better.

But I fell short and I still find myself thinking whether I should have left while I still can, because now I still find myself in the same spot where I started.

I wish I could say it differently with relationships. I still suck at moving on and I still get emotional lapses time after time. Halfway through 2015, I was under the impression that starting over is possible, that I am finally in the final phase of things.

But life plays a joke on me just when I was about to take the jump.

I just hope that finally having that motivation will push me further to close one door and open another. I just hope that 2016 will give me the closure I need and the new beginning I deserve.

***

I sit here, wondering how to conclude a year end blog I wrote three days before New Year’s Eve. I halted, thinking that I should put it up the last minute (maybe an excuse to wait for a possible year end plot twist) and hopefully find the mood to end it on a good note.

If you’d ask me right at this very moment (December 30, 2015 / 8:32 in the evening) about how I feel, I will wholeheartedly admit to feeling sad (I just told my friend thru text that I am a bit depressed). But reading this stuff I wrote days before, I could not help but feel a tidbit happy and relieved that I have made good use of my 2015.

I may have fell short at the last quarter but I know that the progress I made all throughout the year is not something I should disregard. My 2015 may have ended on a downward slope but it’s still a good year, a better one.

You have made progress, Cris. You deserve to be happy.

The people you never see can be all sort of things—a chance you did not take, a story you never read, a poem you never wrote, or simply a tear that never fell. And there are a lot of stories about it, but the end game is always the same—just another what if.

Remember the cliche Love is Blind? Turns out it's not only applicable to those who love without questions. It's also applicable to those who never saw what they could have because they were blindsided—by friendships, by fear, by cowardice, or simply by the lack of awareness.

The people you never see are not the ones who are literally nowhere near you. They are not the ones who live miles away from home and whose absence creates a sinkhole in your day-to-day. They are the ones you bump in to on ordinary days and you did not even bother to stop and say Hi. They aren't the ones who sit across the table either. They are the ones who stood by the table waiting for you to decide which seat to take so they can pick the next seat and sit beside you.

The people you never see are not always the ones whose numbers are on top of your speed dial list. They are often the ones buried somewhere in your phone book. Wishing every time the phone rings, it’s you. The people you never see are not exactly the first people you think of when you want to go see a movie. They are usually the ones who ask you time and time again if you can spare today for coffee.

The people you never see are not the ones that pop in your mind when you hear a decent love song on Spotify. They are the ones who come up with numerous mix tapes thinking that maybe when you hear it, you'll finally get it. The people you never see are not the ones you chase after in a game of tags. They are the ones who stop at the sight of you running, willing to be it for you.

The people you never see are sometimes the one standing in front of you. Waiting for you to finally stop chasing after the people who never really look at you the way you should be looked at.

They could be around you and you would never know a thing about them. I can't blame you for being so dense.

But there's also this.

Sometimes the people you never see are the ones you chose not to. Because maybe you are afraid of commitments or that maybe he is too much for you. Maybe she is so damaged you don't know if you can handle her. Or maybe he's not anywhere near the standards or ideals you have set.

So maybe you chose not to stop and say Hi. Maybe you've put someone else's name on top of your speed dial list because for you, they belong there. Maybe you lied and said you didn't like coffee just so you could have a valid reason to turn down the invitation. Maybe you chose to ignore the numerous mix tapes he sent your way because you don't want to think of his face when you hear it. And maybe, just maybe, you chose to run away at the sight of the person chasing you because you don't want to be it for them.

You have your reasons for letting this one pass. You have your reasons for saying no.

I'm sure the numerous romance movies you've seen have taught you what makes a person someone else. You could make an excuse out of the movies that taught you a thing or two about romance. How you wanted that romantic John Cusack showing up with a boombox in Say Anything or that to me, you are perfect kind of romance from Andrew Lincoln in Love Actually.

I’m not in the mood to write. I am still fleeting from the celebration of my 26th year. But I can’t let this one pass. I need something to remember it.

On the morning of September 10, I woke up and it hit me. I’m 26. My deepest concern during that moment was this: Will it still be called quarter life crisis if I am already past the age of 25?

Sure, you can all say I am in denial. When asked about my age, I answer with 23 or 24 as if I am certainly right. But hey, the joke's on me, alright?

Adult-ing has taken its toll on me that a moment of denying it makes me feel so glorious.

Things turn serious when you realize the pressure of age (and also the pressure of paying the bills). Ideally, at the age of 26, we should all be matured individuals working our ass off somewhere at the top of the corporate ladder. Nope, no more 9 to 6 pace because we can just get on and off whenever we want to. We should be the boss by now.

Ideally, we should all be living on our own in a place of our preference (city living or suburban living, your choice), driving around the ‘hood with a red car, the fruit of our insanely huge paycheck.

Yep, if you asked me five years ago on where I see myself come this point in time? That’s my answer.

But I am nowhere near the ideals I have set for myself the day I stepped out of college. I do not work at the top of the corporate ladder, I still have to go through the 9 to 6 work pace and still get deducted for my tardiness, and nope, none of that own pad in the city, the red car to drive around the hood, and not even that insanely huge paycheck.

At 23, I remember weeping my way to all the rabbit holes I got myself into. It was that year in my early twenties when I wanted so much to achieve my ideals. I had a good thing going on back then, but I wanted everything to be perfect.

I put a lot of pressure in myself and felt disappointed to a certain point when I realized I was nowhere near the kind of person I want to be. Remembering that, all I could ever think about was this photo:
25 was a good year. I think it was that year when I have finally, finally started to figure things out. It wasn’t easy. There are so many bumps in the road and I couldn’t even remember how I did it. But it was the year when I finally feel fine.

I’ve done so well compared to my previous years and I just couldn’t help but feel #blessed.

My career hasn’t been better. I found my way back to writing as a magazine reporter. My current company acquired a magazine, which turned out to be an opportunity for me. There are many hurdles along the way, but I managed to balance both my tasks as a Web Editor and a Reporter. I could not help but feel happy about doing a few profile stories of today’s successful men and women and finally get my name published.

It was something I am truly thankful for. My writing needs a lot of work. Most of my stories still go through bloody QA, but it wasn’t so bad at all. I am enjoying the perks of going out, meeting new people, and discovering different industries. I wish to be able to continue this kind of job, even after the time to quit comes.

Surprisingly, I am also doing well with relationships—no, not the romantic kind. I have made new friends who made most of my time at work easy and fun. I never really thought I’d find them. The squad makes things okay for me at work. They keep me company and they have been about fun. They were there when I thought I had no one.

It is also important to mention that these guys are the ones responsible for making my day truly memorable. I don't really get surprises that often, most especially during my birthday but this group put in all the effort to make me happy. Surprises went on the entire day—gifts, birthday cake and flowers, and a serenade—just when I thought I have exhausted all my tears (of joy). lels.


It was spectacular. Thank you guys, for all the effort you put in to make this day amazing.

Love-wise, I have done a good job dodging trouble when it came knocking on my back door. It wasn’t easy to say no to someone who sees you, who pays attention to everything about you, who actually listens. But I guess the best thing I’ve learned about love at 25, it is to never feel bad about knowing what you want. And I've read this somewhere: it is not your fault it is not what you want. And I could not agree more.

Although the thought of saying no to something that makes you feel again is quite as scary as realizing there may never be another one like this, I will find reverie in the fact that I went for something more, something that I think I deserve.

Somehow the thought of knowing what you want helps you discern the kind of things and people you want to associate your heart with. It is nice, relieving to say the least, to finally, finally feel okay about things I can't get, the people who have turned me down over and over again, the people I have hurt while I was doing the right thing, and the things that will probably never happen again.

At 25, I have also learned to let go of the things that are holding me back. To finally understand defeat and accept it. To finally be okay about the things I cannot change, and to finally understand what it was like to love unconditionally. I have never realized I am capable of loving someone without asking them anything, but to be okay. And to me, that was a big step toward acceptance and maturity.

I was walking on my way home last night and I couldn't help but think of the times my friends have noticed the difference in attitude and aura. I was happier today than I ever had in the past two or three weeks. Some friends teased me about the sudden change like some sort of a new love prospect was behind it. But I want them to hold their horses.

Today I was happier, and I want to hold on to that thought for a little longer as if it will make me resilient to pain, to sadness. Nothing about what's going on now says that 26 won't be a good year because I know it will be.

This is the silence when you want more. Not for the lack of courage but for the fact that too much of something is not good. You’ve seen how much of a good thing destroys you. It lifts both of your feet up the ground, taking you as high as the dark sky and drops you at the peak of everything; high enough that you won’t land on your feet.

This is the silence after an I love you. Not for the lack of love, but for the notion that a better way to respond to an I love you is to love the person back. Your lack of word may dismay them, but you know so well that actions speak louder than words—at least most of the time. 

You. You, beautiful you. The scars in your body makes you think you know a lot about pain and the love that caused it. The darkness of your past is becoming your springboard to dive into something deeper, darker. Something uncharted; something that won’t make you come out the same person.

You. You, reckless you. You love trouble and the hype it brings. It’s like a drug to you. But you know so well that trouble is only for the brave, and you weren’t always at your bravest. You are human; and it is human nature to not be brave. But when you want something, you do anyways.

Do you want trouble?

You, you come around brave. People think you are and sometimes you love it. You were that when you took a gem from somebody’s hands, thinking you deserve it more than the filthy hands of hers. A gem like that deserves something that can take care of it so well.

You think it was all your doing. But trouble is a two-way street and it’s only a matter of which direction it started. So you stopped blaming yourself for being ripped away by the current. It was yours for the taking—or so you think it is—and so you did.

When things are over, you wonder what makes things end; or what makes trouble start again.

Do you want trouble?

Some people are worth the trouble and you wonder if you are one of them. Along with the endless desire to belong, you want to be a piece that puts a heart back together. In your reverie, you had a rundown of all the troubles you have made. All the times it smelled victory; all the times it looked defeat. As you look back on all the mistakes you’ve made, you know anyone would be foolish to think there was never a hint of guilt.

After every trouble comes a big mess. Is there still a way to make it right? But the reckless soul inside of you yearns for the same thing. It yearns for you to go out and find another trouble to satisfy it.

But you want something less turbulent.

Do you still want trouble?

And so trouble came. It stared you right at the face. You know your reckless soul would feast on it, but there’s something that makes it less appealing.

You. You, tired little girl. They know what you’ve been through for you to just sit there and do nothing. The tedious task of going through all the trouble has lost its appeal. You brave little girl always after trouble now passes on the chance to feed your troublesome soul. Something has changed.

You want trouble to make things easy for you. You want trouble to make things right and pursue you. Even after all the ‘No’s you sent trouble’s way, you want to be pursued. You want to be on the other side of the chase.

But then your twisted mind would wonder, would it still appeal if trouble won’t be trouble? Would you want trouble back?

Do you want trouble back?

You spend the nights wasted in a bar, kissing a stranger, grabbing ‘em in the hair.

You want to be touched, oh yes you do. You want to be caressed, adored, loved; because the only way to deal with the void is to forget about it with someone new, someone who doesn’t take your scars into consideration, someone who doesn’t know the stories behind them, someone who can fill the empty spaces without knowing there is, someone close to a stranger.

You know what you want, but you don’t know what you need.

When I made a sweeping declaration a year ago of me finally taking the first step, I did it with me looking back at the traces of the horrific 2013. I know that to successfully move forward, you shouldn’t look back. But I did, to remind myself every now and then of why I should persevere.

2013 wasn’t exactly my year. I remember wrapping it up with a song from The Weepies. I remember starting over, creating a new blog: Are You September, symbolically jumping on a new start. A year later, here I am.

There are bad things that happened to me in 2014—a lot of heartbreaks and disappointments. But all of them are meant to test my character. I would have wished most of them never happened, but what’s done is done and I’m grateful that I was able to weather it out.

If there was one thing important about 2014, it is to learn how to look at the brighter side. Along with this year end post is me finally laying the heartbreaks of 2014 to rest. So here are some things worth remembering about my 2014:


New and Old Places. Travel-wise, my 2014 went really slow noting that I was only able to visit one new place this year despite my personal goal of three. Last summer, I went to Baler with my travel buddies: Khreane, Ate Reich, and Lora. We went on a tour and took a trike ride for 3 more hours just to visit a pristine beach in Aurora. Three days seemed like they weren’t enough with all the resting and playing around we did. We did visit a lot of tourist spots but there were some we weren’t fortunate enough to see due to time constraints.



My year will never be complete without the traditional Baguio visit with the family. Every summer (usually on holy week), we make it a point to visit the City of Pines and stay there for a few days to relieve ourselves of the summer heat. While we were within the North, we also made it to La Union on our way back to Manila.




I have also found a new interest in discovering new interesting places to visit—coffee shops, artistic places, resorts and the likes. I have listed them down and hopefully cross them out within 2015.




Couch potato-ing is also one of the few hobbies I have grown into this year. With a lot of time in my hand, I figured to spend most of them watching TV and movies. *I regret nothing*
 
New Experiences. If there’s anything worth highlighting on my 2014, it’s the fact that I finally had the courage to do a lot of new things. There were a lot of first times, and sure a lot of ‘second time around’ that I was able to enjoy.

When I was in Baler, I was able to try surfing. Something I never really thought of trying knowing I have such weak knees. But I took it as a personally imposed challenge to try. And so I did, but unfortunately failed. Cooking is also something I am interested on this year. I suddenly felt the urge to know at least the basics of it. It was also my first time to try bowling and I did it twice this year hoping to be good at it. It was fun regardless of how my thin arms had a hard time managing to throw bowling balls to put down pins.




The biggest highlight of the year is my first time to see CHVRCHES play live. The concert itself was a turning point for me. I’ve learned a lot about having fun and enjoying my youth. Hence, I’ve purchased tickets to Ed Sheeran and Sam Smith concerts next year. Hoping to see more artists play live on 2015! 

Letting go. While 2014 brought us the Frozen craze, this by far is different from Elsa on the loose. This year I have learned to let things go, to stop caring about the bad things and care for the things that I have control over. I’ve heard a lot of bad things thrown at me and while it took me a great deal of time to understand why it came about, I got over it later on.



I think the most important lesson I have learned this year is acceptance. There are certain things we cannot change, and so we have to accept them. There are questions that needed answers and while my curiosity almost killed the best of me, I have learned that maybe there is a right time for answers *or not*  that sometimes you may not even get the answers you need and you have to not let it stop you from moving.

It was almost impossible for me to move forward because I keep looking back. But I learned that it was possible, if I acknowledge and accept things as they are now. 

Being grateful. I don’t know if I have said enough thanks for 2013. I think that the devastation I had back then have made me unable to see the good things I have left. In 2014, I have learned to be more grateful of the things I have and kept the desire to have more at bay. We don’t always get the things that we want no matter how much we think we deserve them, and no matter what we do. I learned that I have to want more for myself but not get discouraged when faced with rejections. And so I did. At the latter part of the year, I have learned to appreciate what I have and feel blessed about it more than ever.

I am grateful for the friends I have kept: Khreane, Lala and Ate Reich. They have always been there for me through ups and downs even if the going gets tough and the lines between us got blurred at times. They are still here with me and I wish to spend more years of friendship with them.



I am grateful for the friends I have made at work. Three years at 88DB Philippines and I found myself knowing more people than I would ever know. When things got rough last year, I was ready to leave but somehow faith kept me still and a year later I am still with the company. Even if many people have told me to go, that the company was a Titanic in the making and I shouldn’t go down with it, I came up with a decision that I can stand with no matter the circumstances. However, I am not keeping my doors closed to opportunities as career has always been my priority when I got out of college.


On the losing end. I have loved and lost, I barely won in life. But there are moments of brilliance that keep me going. When love was lost in front of my very eyes, I vowed to get it back. Love is a tricky thing. It's full of surprises, and heartbreaks. Although I probably ended up unsuccessful, I know that I am capable of giving my best. I realized my limitations. I've seen how far I can go. It is on those moments when I realize that I am capable of fighting for something that can make me happy. And maybe I lost, but I got myself the faith I need to believe that maybe someday I will find a new way to get back to love. Or maybe something even better.

I lost friendships along the way and half of them are decisions I made for myself and are probably on me. But I will always be grateful for all the people I have on this journey, regardless if it ended badly. Friendships are a beautiful gift from the heavens and I will always be grateful to have the chance to keep what I can keep. Some people have nothing, who am I to argue what I could and couldn't keep?

This year, I lost my dog Lowla and I never felt pain more than ever over a death of a dog. She was my favorite. The one I always care so much about and it hurts to see her die in front of my eyes. She was the heartbreak that capped off my 2014.

Me. 2014 was the year to love myself more, to turn my back on things that make me devalue myself, to finally give myself the chance I deserve to heal and be better. 2014 was a test of my character, a chance to prove the voices in my head wrong. A chance to prove myself that I can keep my words and promises. A chance to prove myself that I am better than who I was in 2013. I faltered many times, thinking I should have given up and just let things happen. But I didn't. We all have our most humane moments of sadness and fear.

The weight of 2014 makes it easy for me to look forward to the new year. 2014 was a good year for me, and I will do my best to make 2015 even better. No New Year resolutions, just trying to keep the good going.

You're reading this, maybe you know more about me or have been an important part of my life at some point. Thank you for sticking with me and I hope to see more of you on 2015. :)

Here’s to another year of chances! Let's make it count. ;)


__
Willamette Stone - Today
Chvrches - Recover *which is only fitting for my 2014 aahhhh*

The thing is, we all have to move on. Even if starting over with a clean slate is impossible, we still try to believe that we can and we are capable. Some people are lucky enough to have moving on take its natural course. Some feelings die down, some just had enough. But some, unfortunately, just had to force it.

Oftentimes we just needed a push. Maybe a healthy banter with a friend could convince us it's time to let things go. Or maybe hearing about your ex going out with someone else could do the trick. It's a myriad of thoughts *and sometimes feelings* that finally sets us on the course of walking away and some people say it's for our own good. But how do they know? 

So we head on to find a new environment, cut a few habits, keep the photos away from the surface, and sometimes even changing phone numbers. We let go of old apartments to settle in a new, brighter one that features walls with less memories. Anything that keeps us away from being reminded. We do things to push us to the path we have chosen, the path to moving on. We keep our eyes open for potentials of new love.. or not; regardless if we're ever ready for that. We keep ourselves in good company just so we couldn't let the loneliness creep in the days when happiness was all you wanted and had and you're okay with it. We do what needs to be done because we had to. We know we had to.

Thinking of it now made me wonder about how many times have we been forced to move on? How many times have we kept moving on from taking its natural course? How many times have we treated moving on like a pill we had to swallow because they said it'll make us feel better? How many times have we repeatedly told ourselves lies just so we could convince ourselves it's the truth?

Maybe it takes a little pretending for us to make ourselves completely believe we have moved on. And even if we ever end up successful in forcing ourselves into it—finally feeling better about the idea that we're on our own now, never spending a waking moment moping around, and smiling sincerely—what will happen if, let's say, we end up stepping on an emotional landmine? Which, in the defense of me being a devil's advocate on this one, happens all the time.

Emotional landmines are everywhere on the course of moving on; it could be a song you heard on the radio on your way to work, walking past someone who wears a familiar scent, meeting someone of the same name, or just simply bumping into them one day. A simple text, a simple Facebook post, or a mere tweet could bring it all back. Anything that triggers the thoughts and emotions we kept in the depths of our hearts and minds believing that over time they won't ever get to the surface anymore, because we're done. And what if these emotional landmines finally uncover the truth, that after all this time, maybe you haven't been completely over them?

You're lucky if you get past them and never find yourself busted out by the feelings you have tried to shut. You're lucky because maybe when you get past them without a tinge of pain or a new rising of hope, maybe that's the time you know you're over it. But what if you're not?

Sometimes we tell ourselves it's over just so we could believe that it was.


**
"I know it's over.."
"Yes, it is."

It could have been a massive throwback. With explosive processed beats, gorgeous synths, and heaven-sent vocals, it was something reminiscent of the 80s. But the loud screams and cheers from the crowd standing in front of this Scottish trio kept us all in touch with the present. We could all think they're born a little late, but no, seeing how awesome they are live meant that they belong here. In this moment, in this time. It is their time.


As part of their Asian tour for The Bones Of What You Believe, CHVRCHES finally visited the Philippines last November 26, 2014 for a one night only concert at the Samsung Hall in SM Aura, Taguig care of Vybe Productions.

One of the many things to be proud of about being a fan of Chvrches is the fact that this band is as good as they can be. Watching them perform live is like listening to their own CD, natural but more fun (not to mention the fact that you can actually dance with strangers and no one else would even care). I've loved them from the start, I'm a fan of electronic pop.

The band started their set with We Sink

With Lauren Mayberry's voice resonating around the hall filled with people who love electronic pop the way they love CHVRCHES, I was lost in a trance and high on euphoria. Sure the beer had a lot to do with it. But hey, when you're watching Chvrches live, you don't need any of that to enjoy the whole thing. Their energy on stage is just enough to keep you pumped up.

I admit I was never a big fan of Lauren Mayberry because something about female-led bands screams so much about Hayley Williams that it makes you think you can no longer find someone better after her. But seeing Lauren perform live? Oh boy, I am faced by the fact that it was possible for Hayley and Lauren to exist together in my world. She was amazing, a bit shy and reserved on stage, but you'll love her when you see her perform.

Lauren's signature "Thanks guys!" makes the crowd cheer loud every damn time

And Martin, my dear Martin. I have always loved the energy he brings on stage. To be honest, I am more of a Doherty fan than a Mayberry. I have seen a lot of their live performances on YouTube and I cannot help but to admire Doko. We were used to guys who play samplers like they're corpses. Nothing much going on. But Martin? He sucks the energy out of the crowd in front of him and transform it to something magical, and surreal. So is Iain who exemplifies versatility by switching from guitars, to keyboards, and bass at some point. I wish he did a few of the vocals too.

The crowd went wild with performances of Gun, Recover, and The Mother We Share

CHVRCHES also performed Dead Air from The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1 soundtrack

CHVRCHES' set list

Thank the heavens someone actually have a decent video of Gun.

The only video I took last night because I was busy dancing! #chvrchesmanila @chvrches

A video posted by Criz Tan (@thetenthofseptember) on Nov 11, 2014 at 5:42am PST

Highlights of the night:

• Actually being meters away from Martin Doherty. We didn't win any meet and greet but seeing him so close was just enough to send me to fangirlville. 
• Beers actually cost P100 per cup, and I found out they were just San Mig Light. Pero okay lang, it pretty much helped me overcome pre-concert jitters. Beer on pre-everything is the best (considering I took a bottle once before a UAAP Finals game hindi naman ako player)
• Get Away is my cue to magwala na sa stairs. 
• Dancing. Dancing. Dancing!

Backstory

I'm not the kind who spends so much on concerts and all. In fact, I haven't been to a decent one ever. I've been to a lot of music events, but not concerts.. not like this. So when Vybe Production announced the concert in July, I couldn't be more excited. I bought my early bird ticket a day before the promo ended and I was just lucky to have enough money to buy it.

My early bird ticket which I sold later on to another soul because I won FHM's free tickets. *it is also my first time to win in an online contest. hihi*

Anxiety heightened up days before the concert with me being too excited and all, and partially unsure if I should go. The pre-concert jitters were understandable noting that it was really the first decent concert I'm about to attend and that I am going alone. So days before the concert, I asked my friend Khreane to join me but she was tight on budget so it's a natural No. Funny things happened as soon as I saw FHM's concert ticket contest which I voluntarily joined just so I can get my friend a ticket to the concert. I won and I sold my early bird ticket because FHM's were non-transferrable, and there we were.

"You put your hand in my hand.. it's a souvenir for when you go-oh-oh-oh"

One of the most amazing nights of my life ended on a high note with us strolling around BGC trying to look for a place to eat dinner (because 3 hours of falling in line have kept our stomachs empty).

Thank you to Vybe Productions for bringing Chvrches here! Glad to know a production like yours have given attention to indie acts. You have a long list of fandoms to satisfy.. *HAIM HAIM HAIM*

Hide, hide I have burned your bridges

Disclaimer: I am trying not to make this look like a progress report. 

I will always love you because I don’t have a choice. When you wait your entire life for something, and that thing finally happens to you, you don’t just give it up. If you do, you’re a fool. You’re a waster. You’re the saddest type of person because you don’t realize that what you need is staring you in the face. To recognize love and to hold onto it is the most important thing in this world. — This Is How I Know I’ll Always Love You, Jillian Harding 

I’m not supposed to write anything about it, because even writing doesn’t make it any better.

8 or 9 months after you left, I am still drowning in the misery of losing you. I am better now as a person, better than I have ever been but nothing about it makes me feel good about this. I’ve got 3-4 months to go before I get reminded again of the fact that I have lost something precious—you.

I'm back on the market, baby. Charaught. 

But I don’t want to be a burden to you either.

I don't know why I'm writing this. All I know is that every time I take the train home, I always thought of writing this one and just throw it out there. I am never good in loving myself, that I know is very true. I'm all for unselfish love, and trying to care more about what makes the person beside me happy.

Before anything else, let me disappoint you here and now by saying that this isn't a blog written to inspire. This isn't a post that will tell you how beginnings should be done. This is a blog post, a personal journal, a sweeping declaration, of me finally taking the first step.