The thing about change is that it has two faces: one for the better, and one for the worst. Sometimes we get to choose which one we get, sometimes we don’t. And sometimes we don’t see change coming, but we welcome it anyway.

The change in perspective was a key for me to regroup. I was in pieces, that’s why. Two months ago, I decided to be a better person—with or without the reasons why I wanted to be. I started to be a better person by learning how to pray. When I was a teen, I have developed my own kind of faith. I don’t go to church, I don’t pray. It’s not because I don’t believe in God or whoever is up there, but because I believe that His love is unconditional and that seeking for His grace doesn’t always have to be inside the holy walls. Some might disagree with me, but I am not here to argue or preach about religion. My point is that prayer changed me. Prayer doesn’t change things, it changes people who changes things. That’s what happened to me.

I am glad that change came in as soon as I decided to clear out all the negativity inside. It wasn’t easy, but it helped me move on from the things that happened and let go of things I cannot control.

But in every uphill climb comes a downhill roll.

The problem with a new perspective is that it makes you feel you have become a different person and while it is very liberating, it also makes you feel nostalgic about who you are back then. Despite how people have described me as trouble, I found that there are still good things about the girl I used to be. Who I am the past year isn’t exactly the kind of person I want to be. I would have told everyone I met back then that they have met me in a strange time in my life—yes I am quoting Fight Club here—but I am afraid that would sound like an excuse for the mistakes I did. I’m done making excuses.

I couldn’t commit, even on the smallest of things.

Back then, I was a visionary. I love looking out to the future and making things in my head of how it should be. I’ve made plans for me, for two, but I never had any thoughts on how to get these ideas to life. When a friend asked me to come with her and see a tennis player play on November, the best answer I have was “We’ll see.” I couldn’t commit myself to invites that are months away from now because I honestly do not know if were still going to be here when that time comes, or if November would still be the same as my August.

I shrug things that easy.

I learned to let go of the bad things people say about me. Regardless if they accused me of something or called me by names, if they don’t matter to me, I let it go. It was pretty much what I needed and what I had to do. Let go. Back then, I couldn’t forget how much pain and anger a few words of someone has caused. But now, it’s easy. It takes a while though, but the important thing is that I shrug it off. Sleep helps me a lot. Most of the times, when I wake up next morning, all the disappointments, jealousy, anger, and pain I felt are gone.

I became more careful about the thoughts I air.

I’ve learned so much about the things that are like boomerangs. You throw them away, they hit you back. I know how it feels to use your own words against you and it never felt bad, it felt worse. So I’ve learned to keep things to myself or at least think about it numerous times before letting it air. The bad side is that I keep most of them in here, making me a time bomb. Sooner or later, I might just explode. But I'm hoping I don't need to. 

I have high hopes.

The higher you get, the painful it is when you land back on earth. That's what I've always thought. That's why at times I feel like a fool for having a genuinely positive outlook at things. Being a pessimistic saves you a lot of drama when things do not go the way you expect them. Nobody will understand why pessimists chose to be pessimists. Sometimes it is their saving grace. But here I am, with a little hint of pessimism and a dangerous amount of optimism. New perspective indeed. 

Wishful thinking. 

The problem with a new and beautiful perspective is the fact that sometimes, other people's misery makes you feel bad. I don't know, at some point I felt bad and guilty about being too happy and positive while people around me are having a hard time. I wish the world would be a happy place. But it wasn't built to be that way. I can only hope for the best for people. 

A few months back the only thing I know about starting over is being a different person. I wish it was possible to actually have a reset button, to meet the same people again for the first time, to spend the past months and years like they never happened. But right now, it's all about looking things in a different way. Back in May, this isn't what I thought was possible. But now that I'm a different person, having a new perspective is the closest you can get to starting over.

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If an optimist had his left arm chewed off by an alligator, he might say in a pleasant and hopeful voice, "Well this isn't too bad, I don't have a left arm anymore but at least nobody will ever ask me if I'm left-handed or right-handed," but most of us would say something more along the lines of, "Aaaaaa! My arm! My arm!" — Lemony Snicket, Horseradish