I will always love you because I don’t have a choice. When you wait your entire life for something, and that thing finally happens to you, you don’t just give it up. If you do, you’re a fool. You’re a waster. You’re the saddest type of person because you don’t realize that what you need is staring you in the face. To recognize love and to hold onto it is the most important thing in this world. — This Is How I Know I’ll Always Love You, Jillian Harding 

I’m not supposed to write anything about it, because even writing doesn’t make it any better.

8 or 9 months after you left, I am still drowning in the misery of losing you. I am better now as a person, better than I have ever been but nothing about it makes me feel good about this. I’ve got 3-4 months to go before I get reminded again of the fact that I have lost something precious—you.

Like Audrey Hepburn, I was born with an enormous need for affection and a terrible need to give it—a terrible, terrible need to give it to you. It is simply because of the fact that my heart longs for you. You were the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me. So beautiful that sometimes it hurts too much because of one blatant fact: you’re gone. You left without taking all the memories with you and I don’t know what to do with them because sometimes they make me feel like death.

Some days, I am okay. And by okay I mean the kind that you got used to. Some days, I feel very defiant of the truth because it reminds me that the only thing left is giving up. On most days, I am hopeful that one day you’ll be back. Because who walks away from someone who loves them so much despite everything? I ask myself with the confidence that I can muster from the belief that I can love you despite all this. I can love you better than I have loved you before. But the confidence dies like fire being doused with cold water to the truth that it takes loving someone back to stay.

I do not know what to do. Your words kept ringing in my ears.

.
You always have a choice. 
.

And numerous times, I’ve answered them with No, I don’t. I don’t have a choice and I’m certain of that. I’ve got choosing to do and decisions to make, but the mere fact that none of these options can make me happy is becoming as helpless as not having a choice. Loving you gave me no choice. You were a sinkhole I couldn’t escape from; a sentence that has been made even before I get the chance to present myself.

It’s impossible to imagine my life before you came. When I do it felt like trying to remember someone I’ve never met. The memories of the year I spent with you overcomes the memories of the pre-you era. Back then all that ever mattered to me was to keep an eye on you, making sure you are okay even if you're with somebody else. I was okay to admire you from the distance. But the chance to hold you in my arms stared me in the face, and I knew there’s no turning back.

I couldn’t bring myself to forget you and the deep-rooted feelings I have for you. You were planted in all the atriums and ventricles of my now restless heart. You’re everywhere to me.

I couldn’t take a bus home anymore, because the empty seat beside me reminds me so much of the playful kisses we’ve stolen from the public. I couldn’t wear a jacket without thinking of you, and how you use to fold the cuffs of my oversized hoodie because your hands need something to do. I couldn’t let myself watch a game of the Heat without wondering if you’re seeing it or not. I couldn’t loathe on street cats and all the purring they do, because they remind me of how you insisted our hypothetical cats should sleep in our hypothetical room. Remember all those times when you tried to sleep in my sleek shoulders? They keep me up all night wondering when will be the next. I’ve been ordering your drink from Starbucks too frequent because it reminds me of how your barista friend wrote your name on our cups and punctuated it with hearts. My phone still has all your photos you used to set as my phone’s wallpaper and how I fell for that prank twice. And bacons, love. I couldn’t forget how bacons meant the world to you. And what about all the songs and artists and bands you made me listen to? they all remind me of you. Even in my own musical preferences. I couldn't listen to Taylor Swift without feeling a pang in my chest. Taylor Swift is my personal hero and I feel robbed.

Do you remember any of this? I’m sure you do. I am certain you remember everything because it’s never easy to forget something that changed you in ways you liked or disliked. I won’t even ask you to forget the mistakes I’ve made. I am quite confident to allow mistakes to measure me and it doesn’t make it unfair to me if you do.

There are probably no words to justify more the chance I’ve been asking. There is no definite resolution to all of this. But I wish I could say to you don’t be a fool to let me go because this is the me you deserve. This is the me you can get even if you turned into someone cold and stone-hearted and it’s only fair that I do the holding you together this time, the way you did to me before. And even if you tell it to me over and over again how you never needed anyone to keep you together or to be there for you, I would refuse to believe. Everybody needs somebody. 

You can hurt me on purpose, over and over again until you get so exhausted of it. And I will probably get tired of all the hurting. But the change in me made me so resilient to pain that even the tiniest bit of jealousy that used to kill us, now turned out to be a phase of emotion I am able to shake in a few minutes. I will get tired but I will never stop letting you know, I will always love you—because I know no other way. 

You lucky you.