I want to write something for the New Year’s but I couldn’t bring myself to a topic that would feel comfortable as much as the previous year enders I wrote. I stopped writing anything on this blog two years ago, determined to just focus on myself and stop giving myself a hard time trying to write something that isn’t worth writing about.

I never really thought this day would come when I would miss writing something personal this much. Nothing significant about this year even happened for me to do so. Maybe the writer in me just wants to let off steam. So here we are, you’re reading something that would probably be a bore after a few paragraphs, but let me thank you now for reading.

If there was anything to realize about year enders, it’s that it sucks for somebody like me who isn’t going through anything because I was stuck. I stopped writing about my birthdays, or Christmases, or year enders because of the simple reason that it requires me a lot of looking back. It doesn’t do any good for someone who can’t pick up the pace.

I was beating myself up for all the things I was unable to accomplish in spite of having 365 days to do so. That was the kind of person that I am, hard on myself, too idealistic for my own sake. I make things difficult for myself that leaves loving myself the hardest lesson to ever learn. But I did. Thank God I did and I continue to do so.

It was a teaching I had to continuously understand and learn and I know deep down it has its own drawbacks but those are the things I know I can live with.

What bravery looked like in 2017

At the start of the year, it has become easy for me to walk away from things that no longer serves me, makes me happy, or gives me peace. The 2015 version of me would clap back with the way I have accomplished the courage to finally be the one who walks away. Those were the times when bravery looked a lot like losing people in the process.

In true Taylor Swift fashion, I excluded myself from the narratives I do not want to be in—sometimes because of the lack of patience, often times out of respect. If it meant losing people in the process of finding peace, you can expect to count me in. Because we will meet new people, those who would be part of the small circles we keep ourselves in, those who will make us want to lose sleep just to keep the convo going. We will meet new ones who will make things easy and happy and interesting again.

I know we will because of the people around me who have found peace and joy and love again. My best friend had the biggest heartbreak of her life. She wailed in agony for months she spent in bars and clubs drinking but you’d be surprised to see her this happy again. It may never happen to me ever again but at least we know something like this is possible. That being happy again is possible if we can only be a little braver. Heck, even my exes are all happy now.

Trusting the process

Most people who know me think I had no limitations that I do not know how to stop in a glaring red light. Well, I be damned I just spent 2017 in that yellow box waiting for the green light to set in. And while I would regret that I spent too much of my time waiting for things to get better, I comfort myself with the thought that things take time and I intend to stop taking shortcuts. 

I was a fan of wasting no time and because I grew up always getting what I want, I am impatient with almost everything. But this year taught me to be enduring, to trust the process, and to be patient about myself. I may have given up on a few things but I still held on to something—my life and I know that despite of all the bad things that came my way, this life is still worth living.

Thank a Liza Soberano film for making me realize that there is more to a breakup than just the separation. What lies behind those painful moments were dwindling motivation and dreams lost that even the little bit of sanity you have no longer saves your spiraling life. I had those moments too and I’m not letting it be known because everyone just suddenly opens up about it but because now is the time I am comfortable admitting it.

I am ashamed by the way I dealt with it. That was not who I used to be.

I am grateful for a great support system that never left me when I was enduring all the pain of my previous years. Sure, there were times when sitting this life out was a lot easier than playing it. I lost count of the times I told the heavens to take me, but I drew motivation and support from my friends who probably had no idea of its gravity.

Trusting the process means celebrating the progress even if it was little. Small victories, I say. Trusting the process means accepting that now is not your time, but you will have yours and you have to be ready when it comes. Trusting the process means that a setback is a set up for a comeback, no matter how cliché it sounds. The lowest moments of your life are just moments that will soon pass.

I have something to tell you

Blame the dramas and TV shows I have seen for making me sappy enough to want to write a personal letter. But I had no time (and who writes a handwritten letter these days? Uhm, not me).

I have a few people to thank.

To Kuya Edge, I know you won’t remember but if it weren’t for your message to me back in January after asking you for an advice, I wouldn’t be able to find walking away that easy. You didn’t think twice about being harsh because you know that’s what I need. I had to hear it from someone before I can finally ignore someone else’s definition of who I am. I kept a screenshot of our convo by the way. It helped me a lot. Pero please, magkita tayo. Hindi tayo nagkita after that trip in Zambales.

To Lala whose existence reminds me I am not alone. I am laughing real hard as I type this. You remind me I am never alone at being alone. But you also remind me to try every now and then. You are one of a handful of friendships I intend to keep forever. I am grateful for your support, company, and friendship.

To my best friend, Khreane. I am grateful ours is a low maintenance kind of friendship. Thank you for indulging me. For keeping up with all the things I want to do just because I felt like I needed to. For all the personal consultations we had thru chat and iMessage. Thank you for reminding me about things I shouldn’t do anymore. HAHA. I sincerely hope for your happiness and I’m looking forward to your *ehem* happy ending. Baka majinx.

I have a few messages I need to send across.

To all the people I stopped talking to:

Somewhere along the way something happened and it led us here. For many different reasons, we stopped talking and I’m absolutely sure most of those conversations didn’t end so well. Within the silence, we lost friendships, mutual admirations and I hope not, respect for each other.

You have ideas of me and I of you. I cannot blame you because I have always been that girl who looks mad all the time. Though I hoped there was a time for us to explain ourselves but I know that if it happened then, it will only fall on deaf ears.

Over the course of us living our lives away from each other, I know we have come across things and I hope two of those are forgiveness and understanding. I may never say it or talk about it but know that in my end, the past is past.

If there is anything I am certain about myself, I’m no longer someone who keeps grievances. I am someone who distances herself away from complications because her life can no longer take more. I am someone who gives distance a chance to step in because I believe it was what is needed.

I wish you a happy life. No matter who you are and where you may be.

To you:

I’m not really in the position to say this. But will you take a bit of advice from an old woman? (Hi, Lady Olenna. You inspire me.)

Keep going.

Get through it. Whatever it takes.

Get out of your bed, dress up, show up. Repeat. It may sound like a routine but it will be something that will get you through the good and the bad days. I’ve had several shining moments this year when I was just too grateful to be traveling even if it means to be 2-hours away from the city. I’ve had those moments when I was grateful for a dinner with friends where I laughed my ass off and  had the scare of my life because I felt like my heart couldn’t take it. It’s those small moments that will truly count. Celebrate them even if it means you’ll be getting out of your bed, dressing up, and showing up the next day.  

Wow, remember when I said I wasn’t feeling comfortable to talk about anything. Here I am actually accomplishing a blog. And here you are, actually reading it til the last.

Happy New Year!