Letter #17
Saturday, February 22, 2014
James was never a writer. For one, he spent his existence trying to perfect his art. But after Anna broke up with him, he wrote and kept letters addressed to no one. A simple documentation of his heartbreak and the days when he almost gave up on his own self.
This is just one.
December 8, 2013
Someone asked me how it felt loving her, and I didn't know how to respond. Because loving her can only mean two things for me: happiness and pain. I didn't know how one could possibly be in love and broken at the same time, but I am. When the question was raised, my heart skipped a beat, and I felt like being gushed by a pale of ice cold water. Along with the thousands of memories that flashed back, the pain of that very day linger like being in it for the first time.
Anna, she knew a lot about feelings. It's probably one of the reasons why I fell for her. After weeks and months of spending time by her side, I came to realize she was the most guarded person on earth. She has walls built higher than China's. She has guards more stronger than the United States' or Russia's. But that doesn't keep me from seeing her as a gem, as someone capable of loving someone wholeheartedly beyond flaws. When we were together, she was my hand to hold, my anchor in an ocean of misery and hope. She always manages to explain how it felt, and what I should feel about a thing.
It was a different thing though, when we broke up. I never saw her so confused about what she feels. But in that moment when she called it quits, the Anna I know is no longer there. She said she hasn't felt pain and indifference this strong, and that the confusion keeps her from being the rational version of herself. She knows a lot about feelings. But this time around, I dare say, it was the most difficult thing to love about her.
It was never easy, you know, to always take a trip back to every moment. Sometimes I find my mind travelling somewhere else, even when I am about to take the train. And while we both know all I have to do is to move forward, I just can't see myself taking the next train out of this scenario. Sometimes I wished I didn't know her, that we never met, and that we never got together. But when the idea expounds more and more, I couldn't bring myself to regret something that made me happy.
To this day, I am still that guy who got walked out on but still kept my arms wide open waiting for her comeback. I didn't know love could be this magical. I didn't know love could be this painful.
Still the boy who has his hopes up,
James
0 comments