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    I want to write something for the New Year’s but I couldn’t bring myself to a topic that would feel comfortable as much as the previous year enders I wrote. I stopped writing anything on this blog two years ago, determined to just focus on myself and stop giving myself a hard time trying to write something that isn’t worth writing about.

    I never really thought this day would come when I would miss writing something personal this much. Nothing significant about this year even happened for me to do so. Maybe the writer in me just wants to let off steam. So here we are, you’re reading something that would probably be a bore after a few paragraphs, but let me thank you now for reading.

    If there was anything to realize about year enders, it’s that it sucks for somebody like me who isn’t going through anything because I was stuck. I stopped writing about my birthdays, or Christmases, or year enders because of the simple reason that it requires me a lot of looking back. It doesn’t do any good for someone who can’t pick up the pace.

    I was beating myself up for all the things I was unable to accomplish in spite of having 365 days to do so. That was the kind of person that I am, hard on myself, too idealistic for my own sake. I make things difficult for myself that leaves loving myself the hardest lesson to ever learn. But I did. Thank God I did and I continue to do so.

    It was a teaching I had to continuously understand and learn and I know deep down it has its own drawbacks but those are the things I know I can live with.

    What bravery looked like in 2017

    At the start of the year, it has become easy for me to walk away from things that no longer serves me, makes me happy, or gives me peace. The 2015 version of me would clap back with the way I have accomplished the courage to finally be the one who walks away. Those were the times when bravery looked a lot like losing people in the process.

    In true Taylor Swift fashion, I excluded myself from the narratives I do not want to be in—sometimes because of the lack of patience, often times out of respect. If it meant losing people in the process of finding peace, you can expect to count me in. Because we will meet new people, those who would be part of the small circles we keep ourselves in, those who will make us want to lose sleep just to keep the convo going. We will meet new ones who will make things easy and happy and interesting again.

    I know we will because of the people around me who have found peace and joy and love again. My best friend had the biggest heartbreak of her life. She wailed in agony for months she spent in bars and clubs drinking but you’d be surprised to see her this happy again. It may never happen to me ever again but at least we know something like this is possible. That being happy again is possible if we can only be a little braver. Heck, even my exes are all happy now.

    Trusting the process

    Most people who know me think I had no limitations that I do not know how to stop in a glaring red light. Well, I be damned I just spent 2017 in that yellow box waiting for the green light to set in. And while I would regret that I spent too much of my time waiting for things to get better, I comfort myself with the thought that things take time and I intend to stop taking shortcuts. 

    I was a fan of wasting no time and because I grew up always getting what I want, I am impatient with almost everything. But this year taught me to be enduring, to trust the process, and to be patient about myself. I may have given up on a few things but I still held on to something—my life and I know that despite of all the bad things that came my way, this life is still worth living.

    Thank a Liza Soberano film for making me realize that there is more to a breakup than just the separation. What lies behind those painful moments were dwindling motivation and dreams lost that even the little bit of sanity you have no longer saves your spiraling life. I had those moments too and I’m not letting it be known because everyone just suddenly opens up about it but because now is the time I am comfortable admitting it.

    I am ashamed by the way I dealt with it. That was not who I used to be.

    I am grateful for a great support system that never left me when I was enduring all the pain of my previous years. Sure, there were times when sitting this life out was a lot easier than playing it. I lost count of the times I told the heavens to take me, but I drew motivation and support from my friends who probably had no idea of its gravity.

    Trusting the process means celebrating the progress even if it was little. Small victories, I say. Trusting the process means accepting that now is not your time, but you will have yours and you have to be ready when it comes. Trusting the process means that a setback is a set up for a comeback, no matter how cliché it sounds. The lowest moments of your life are just moments that will soon pass.

    I have something to tell you

    Blame the dramas and TV shows I have seen for making me sappy enough to want to write a personal letter. But I had no time (and who writes a handwritten letter these days? Uhm, not me).
    I have a few people to thank.

    To Kuya Edge, I know you won’t remember but if it weren’t for your message to me back in January after asking you for an advice, I wouldn’t be able to find walking away that easy. You didn’t think twice about being harsh because you know that’s what I need. I had to hear it from someone before I can finally ignore someone else’s definition of who I am. I kept a screenshot of our convo by the way. It helped me a lot. Pero please, magkita tayo. Hindi tayo nagkita after that trip in Zambales.

    To Lala whose existence reminds me I am not alone. I am laughing real hard as I type this. You remind me I am never alone at being alone. But you also remind me to try every now and then. You are one of a handful of friendships I intend to keep forever. I am grateful for your support, company, and friendship.

    To my best friend, Khreane. I am grateful ours is a low maintenance kind of friendship. Thank you for indulging me. For keeping up with all the things I want to do just because I felt like I needed to. For all the personal consultations we had thru chat and iMessage. Thank you for reminding me about things I shouldn’t do anymore. HAHA. I sincerely hope for your happiness and I’m looking forward to your *ehem* happy ending. Baka majinx.

    I have a few messages I need to send across.

    To all the people I stopped talking to:

    Somewhere along the way something happened and it led us here. For many different reasons, we stopped talking and I’m absolutely sure most of those conversations didn’t end so well. Within the silence, we lost friendships, mutual admirations and I hope not, respect for each other.

    You have ideas of me and I of you. I cannot blame you because I have always been that girl who looks mad all the time. Though I hoped there was a time for us to explain ourselves but I know that if it happened then, it will only fall on deaf ears.

    Over the course of us living our lives away from each other, I know we have come across things and I hope two of those are forgiveness and understanding. I may never say it or talk about it but know that in my end, the past is past.

    If there is anything I am certain about myself, I’m no longer someone who keeps grievances. I am someone who distances herself away from complications because her life can no longer take more. I am someone who gives distance a chance to step in because I believe it was what is needed.
    I wish you a happy life. No matter who you are and where you may be.

    To you:

    I’m not really in the position to say this. But will you take a bit of advice from an old woman? (Hi, Lady Olenna. You inspire me.)

    Keep going.

    Get through it. Whatever it takes.

    Get out of your bed, dress up, show up. Repeat. It may sound like a routine but it will be something that will get you through the good and the bad days. I’ve had several shining moments this year when I was just too grateful to be traveling even if it means to be 2-hours away from the city. I’ve had those moments when I was grateful for a dinner with friends where I laughed my ass off and  had the scare of my life because I felt like my heart couldn’t take it. It’s those small moments that will truly count. Celebrate them even if it means you’ll be getting out of your bed, dressing up, and showing up the next day.  

    Wow, remember when I said I wasn’t feeling comfortable to talk about anything. Here I am actually accomplishing a blog. And here you are, actually reading it til the last.


    Happy New Year!
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    It's a night we all want to live in forever. ✨
    Ultralife World Tour at Samsung Hall, Taguig City
    July 21, 2017
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    Spent independence weekend in Baler with the family!
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    Music fans and hipsters alike all flocked to Aseana City Open Grounds last Saturday, February 20, 2016 for Goodvybes Festival, a brainchild of Vybe Productions who are known for bringing international indie acts in Manila since 2014.

    The line-up which caters mostly to synth-based pop music took off in full blast mode with several international acts from the west to headline their first ever music festival.

    Passion Pit, whose concert in August 2015 got cancelled, finally landed in Philippine soil and many fans were pleased to finally see Michael Angelakos perform. Chvrches returns after a successful concert in Samsung Hall, Taguig last November 2014 with the same passion and generosity for their fans while elevating their energy and craft.

    The two biggest indie acts were joined by up-and-coming London-based duo, Oh Wonder, whose music has been known through the internet and Stars, a Canadian-based band returning after a wild performance last 2013.

    Stars with a 60-minute set and tons of energy. 

    I must admit I do not know Stars or their music but they got me at Amy's "I hope it all ends up in sex."

    The only song I know was Your Ex-Lover Is Dead, apparently I am not the only one.

    My favorite performance was Oh Wonder's, simply because I am a huge fan of their music. I came in the concert prepared to cry because of these guys. Josephine and Anthony looked so perfect together #relationshipgoals. 

    The closest we got to Anthony who took a sign from a fan that says Loving you is not hard. This was before they performed Drive.

    The couple ended their set with Technicolour Beat (so sad they did not perform Plans). I hope they come back for a solo concert soon.

    The crew was preparing the stage for Chvrches when they put this one up but took it down right before the band performed. Why? 

    The definition of perfect. 

    Lauren owned the stage during their set. She was everywhere! I heard a guy said Ang likot niya!

    I was so amazed when Lauren played the drums during Empty Threat. We were really looking forward to this song but still got so surprised with her talent. 

    Again, perfection.

    Highlight of the day was our meet and greet sesh with Chvrches!

    Eugene and his friends adopted us and shared with us their space near the barricades!

    Went to the fest with these guys.


    Loving you is not hard. @ohwondermusic #GoodvybesFest #Drive #goodvybes #music #indie #festival #manila
    A video posted by C. (@thetenthofseptember) on Feb 21, 2016 at 5:39am PST

    As if we don't have enough reasons to love her, here she is making us so amazed with her talent. @laurenevemayberry x drums is love. @chvrches #emptythreat #goodvybesfest #goodvybes #music #manila
    A video posted by C. (@thetenthofseptember) on Feb 22, 2016 at 6:43am PST

    For a first, I think Vybe Productions delivered. It wasn't their fault PayMaya wasn't working the entire fest. We ran out of cash because we decided to load it all up in a card. Good thing there was refund. I wasn't able to watch Passion Pit up close. We had to leave our spot because we got so thirsty and hungry after five hours of standing.

    Also, I wasn't able to watch local acts because we were busy preparing for the Chvrches meet and greet.

    Looking forward to next year's Goodvybes Fest because I know this is the only way I can watch my favorite indie alternative bands.

    :)
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    I hit the button today, and I hope you did not find it offending that I did. It was a decision that should have been done long ago but I couldn't find the courage to do so. I never wanted to let go of you but I have to. I wanted to keep you but you're not mine to keep.

    I am writing this past midnight of February 14, you are probably asleep in her arms while I'm here all alone in my room where you told me a break is what's good for us two, this was after a conversation with a friend who told me he knew you well enough to know you won't like this.

    I want you to know that I have thought about this carefully. It was something I know I can never take back and in case you were wondering how much thought I have put into this: you were on my mind the entire day and I have tried to argue with myself about it.

    Yesterday was hectic for me--I am sure you were somewhere up north enjoying the cold breeze. I have decided to work on Valentine's weekend so I could keep myself from overthinking and because I know you will be somewhere else with someone new, I know I have to keep myself busy.

    It was my fault for checking Facebook amid a very busy day where I spent hours traveling from one place to another just to attend to our serenade bookings. Yes, the entire day was about trying to make couples happy with the occasion. It was my fault that I tapped a specific feed dedicated to you.

    I guess it was just out of habit that I did. Your feed was my morning newspaper and probably, close to my night time prayer.

    For the record, it did not surprise me to realize who you were with. I have known her back when you told stories about her on our rare Viber conversations. I was a fool to ever think I could handle conversations like this. You told me she was this and that and it wasn't so difficult for me to figure it out. You have known me better than anyone else and you knew I will find out soon enough. It was only a matter of time before her name comes up in conversations.

    But it wasn't "you with her" that made me rethink about the choices I have made. It was the pullover she was wearing. I remember it so well, that time I picked it up from Adidas in time for our Christmas dinner. You said it was one of your wishlists and I was running out of ideas for a gift so I did not hesitate and bought it, spending nearly half of my annual pay.

    I remember your face the moment you opened it. Tightly wrapped inside a box, you thought it was a shoe at first so I joked about hoping I got your size right. You couldn't help but smile the entire night and felt so regretful we weren't spending the rest of it together. I'm sure you wanted to kiss me but there were a lot of people around and we don't want to make a scene.

    I remember it all too well.

    Seeing her wear that precious thing was the last straw. I could no longer think about the memories we had without ever ending it with the sight of her in that Adidas Porsche Herren pullover. It was something I cannot unsee. I have gone through a lot of painful things while I am loving you. I have waited outside of your home while it was raining and it was a neighbor of yours who told me I probably should go my way, you're not coming out. Tried asking you out so we can talk but No is all I'm getting. Getting one word replies after sending a lengthy text, or simply being ignored when I bumped into you in a concert.

    This was something I could no longer handle.

    I realize I could no longer let myself watch from the sidelines anymore. It was hard to watch you love someone else. You could have said I have done it before (like I have always told you, Crush) but this time is different. I have to do something to keep myself from hurting while I am still in pain.

    I hope you understand that I have to make a decision.

    It is painful to realize that after all this time, I find myself in the same spot where you left me and I am not taking it against you. It is not your fault you did not come back. It was my choice to stay, to hope that maybe someday when I finally get my shit together, I will be deserving of another shot at it.

    I want you to know that I feel bad about doing this now, when we have been better at being friends than we have ever before. I want you to know that the only thing holding me back from doing this was the thought of how good we have been as friends in the past month alone. It was bad timing, now that you are offering me the kind of friendship I am asking from you.

    I have thought about how I have survived my heartbreaks before, how I moved on and still be able to keep them in my feed. It was an argument I have lost with myself. I couldn't remember how it was done, quietly, without memories shattering.

    I know, at some point, you will be mad, or sad, or maybe you'll feel bad. But know that it was not my intention to burn our bridge, I am just trying to look after myself. At the same time, I want you to be free to love anyone you like, away from my shadows, away from our past.

    I hope she turns out to be your do or die person but you know that I am also half hoping she won't be. I still believe that you and me, we are endgame. And I am doing this because someday, when you finally decide to come home, I won't be the same sick, jealous, insecure person who knows everything about your past.

    You have always been my inspiration. The muse behind the numerous poems and stories I have written. The subject of all the poem captioned photos I uploaded on Instagram. The person I will always dedicate love songs to.

    You said I have to love myself and I think by doing this, I am.

    But I still love you. No matter what.

    Leaving this here because it reminds me so well of what could have been. And also because it was the last song that's playing after I finished writing this. I probably won't hear any from you, but I hope I will. Take care, Babe.
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    Cris Tan Writer

    Someone in her late 20s who has a love and hate relationship with writing, an artsy fartsy soul stuck in a body of a writer.

    2018 Update:

    Hi guys! I apologize for how messy this blog is. I'm working on cleaning up the site and hopefully reorganize things. Thanks for the visit though :-)

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